my i key is on the fritz. every time you see an i in a word on this screen, it is either double or triple or quadruple typed because my i key keeps fuckin up.

Crap I am pissed.

pissed

pssed

pssed

seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Send new pc damnit.

People aren’t understanding this well. I told Sarie, another special person i know, D also knows the results, and neither of them were/are happy - but for some reason folks I left the doctor’s office today smiling, happy, content and oh soooooooooo excited. Perhaps excited is wrong word - but I am trying to say I am okay with this.

It would appear by all tests results etc…… my kidney that is the only functioning one i have, is shutting down. My body is not doing well, according to doctors - and yeah I been sick lately. Basically I sat today, for the first time EVER and a doctor gave me the ” You should begin putting your affairs in order” talk.

To be honest with you, it was one of the BEST conversations I have had in a long time!!! Of course the doctor isn’t thrilled. He wants me to go on a kidney transplant list - NEGATIVE - NOT HAPPENING and Dialysis is not happening either. Personal choice folks.

I did allow the intrevenous treatment of some cortisoidsteriodial somethng or another….. which is supposed to possibly help? But basically with a GFR of 42 and dropping my CKD level is hovering between 3-4 and  that means Death becomes me.

Okay so it’s not set in stone and my kidney could just pull out of this. I’m prepared for that if it happens and knowing my luck - it will. But I am also prepared to die.

That statement apparently boggles people’s minds and doesn’t make them happy.

The only thing that kinda makes me bent is the fact that I am like feeling free and relieved now - and no one else is happy about that hahahahahahahaha.

Look folks, dead happens. It ain’t the end of life, even though most of you are far too attached to your bodies to know otherwise.

I’m shaman - I KNOW otherwise - and i am thrilled. If I die, I die. you folks gonna be the ones still left in the suck. I’ll be freer then free, moving through the truest aspects of “life” wasting no time at taking my next steps.

There are a few things I am GONNA do before I die. Yes I got a sorta (depends on my body’s reaction to todays treatment) time table - which I ain’t revealing to no one

I’m gonna write it - ALL.

I’m gonna write letters to be delivered after my death - no holds barred- everything I didn’t say to you in life, you ARE gonna read in my hand writing, after my death - w00t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And I am gonna live life like I am dying - with even more gusto, hahahahahhahahahaha  w00t

There are a few things I’d like to ‘get’ before I die too. Those calla lily’s - yeah - want em!!!

That kiss a certain someone promised me - want it!!!!

a macbook air - WANT IT!!!!!

hahahhahahaha Not a big want list - I guess that is good.

So basically, if you’re a blog reader here, and or you know me. Just know….. according to doc’s I am a dead woman walking - it’s just a matter of time and a few system shut downs…. hahahahahaha That cracks me up, i sound so cyber like.

if your not a blog reader, then this message ain’t to you.

and if I do live and this kidney re-boots it’self - well shitfire I am sooooooooooo gonna still keep being me.

That is what life is about folks. You get it? Maybe to each of you, this news and my silly way of talking about it is unreal, not normal, odd, or just damn weird - But it is ME.

ME ME ME

I like me. I’m okay with dying. I’m okay with living too.

Today was the first good day I have had in a long time. The pain I feel is massive (This damn kidney) and I do feel like shit on toast - but shit I smiled……….. I smiled sooooooooo hard today. The doctor here had slightly not approved of my mentality. His desire it to prolong life.

Doc: “Miss Dubois,” as he walked me to his office door and opens it; “Please consider helping us to help you live longer.”

Me: “We all gotta die doc.”

Doc looks at me and starts to say something, I interrupt: “Even you!”

Doc’s face twists, the knowledge seeps into his brain that I only spoke truth. He looks like he is about to cry. I walk past and pat his shoulder softly. “Only difference between me and you Doc, is you see death as an end, me…..it’s a beginning”

I grin at him wildly until he finally starts to nod. I start to leave and he whispered the most amazing thing. “I really like you Miss Dubois.”

I just smiled, and kept on walking

I like me too

w00t

email just in. Says what is below is me - “minus the ‘homely’ descriptor”  :

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas.Difficult to fathom.Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to not control emotions. Unpredictable.

o_o

—- soon as I feel some energy - will post all my backdated paper blogs. yes i have still managed to blog everyday - on paper. and My Dearest - i need you.

kthnxbia

Porn

I have none.

EPIC FAIL

Somebody Save ME:

yeah - save me…………………….. shitfire